If only, if only
by xblkdragonx
Summary: The purpose of a dream is to fulfill our every fantasies and desires. For what our waking reality denies us, our imagination makes come true. So Ivan and Yao ask themselves: What if? What if they met as humans? Lived and loved as humans were allowed to...Would they have had a happy ending?


A/n: Written and published 3 years ago. Originally chapter 25 (or 27) in my "Drabbles and Oneshots". Finally decided to publish it as a stand alone.

* * *

_China, do you ever wonder?_

_Wonder what?_

_What it would've been like if you were not China and I was not Russia._

_…No…. It never crossed my mind. _

A bitter smile; a callous laugh._ No? Not once? Not even the time when you held me close and kissed me goodbye all those years ago?_

_What about you? I can't imagine you wanting to be a mere human._

_Every so often I do, like right now with you standing in front of me. I want to be reminded of your soft skin…but I can't because the world dictates I shouldn't. The life of a nation is pathetic isn't it?_

_Iv…R-Russia, why are you asking this?_

_I wanted to ask you, if you and I had met as humans, what would've happened? Where would we be right now and how would we get there? How much different do you think our lives would be? _

Heavy silence.

_I don't know, Russia. Even if you ask me, I don't know._

_I guess we'll never find out._

A gloved hand reaches up, but it does not caress the pale, gentle face. A breath away from feeling the warm hand, the porcelain cheek, but it was enough. The small distance, the little gap between their bodies, represented the crack in their relationship. It was a barrier neither could nor would breach. So close. So close and yet so far.

As the meeting disbanded, they parted ways without a word of farewell. Russia got into his car and China boarded his plane. Though apart, the seedling question planted in their minds began to grow. They wondered and asked:

_What if?_

* * *

_What if we could grow old and die together?_

The hair upon his head was neither silky nor lustrous like it was in his youth. No. He no longer had long, black hair that people once envied over. It had been decades since he did. White, coarse hair now filled his scalp, framing his sagging face. Every wear and tear he experienced in his long life appeared in the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. His back ached, his bones creaked, but Yao could care less.

Arm in arm, they strolled through the park; autumn leaves of orange, gold, and red flying past them. A tiny tug from him and Ivan's warm wheezing laugh tickled his ears. "Tired already?"

They sat on the bench; Yao closing his eyes as he laid his snow-white head on the other man's hunched shoulders. Ivan said nothing, indulging his tiny lover just for the moment. He was content feeling the small body pressed against his. Murmuring sweet words, he brushed his rough lips against the other's temple.

Yao knew even with his eyes shut tight, vibrant lavender eyes- still bright as the day they met- were gazing at him tenderly. He may be old, wrinkly, and plagued with illnesses, but not even for a moment did Ivan make him feel any less beautiful, any less treasured.

As his mind began drifting off far, far away, he was dimly aware of his lover and best friend massaging away the stinging pain of arthritis in his hand. Yao wanted to smile at his thoughtfulness, but it took too much effort; he was exhausted; his energy slowly seeping out of him.

The last thing he heard was Ivan's sweet voice telling him, "Don't worry, Yao. Go to sleep. I'll be right here when you wake."

* * *

_What if we had our happily ever after?_

Thunder raged outside their window; pelts of rain drummed against the roof. A draft from the late summer storm chilled the room, and yet Ivan was content. Usually when there was a downpour, his temperament would be far worse for wear; he would be foul and easy to anger. Today, though, he was rather looking forward spending the rest of the day warm in his bed.

"Doesn't look like the rain is going to let up," a tired voice came from beneath the covers.

Ivan wrapped his free hand around the slim, naked torso, drawing the other man close. "Nope. Looks like it's going to rain all day~".

"Hm," Yao replied, lazily kissing the arm he was using as pillow, "So what will we do? We were supposed to go hiking."

"How about staying in bed?"

"It's past 12, Ivan. We should get up." Despite the caustic reply, the Russian could feel soft lips smile against his skin.

"Let's forget about our responsibilities and what we should do for today," Ivan said teasingly before flipping the smaller man over. "I'll make it worth your while."

Laughing softly, Yao cupped the back of Ivan's head and smiled. "Mind if I get the taste of the product before I agree?"

"Always looking for the best bargain aren't you?" Ivan lowered his head until their mouths almost touched.

"The very best," Yao conceded, pulling the other man down until his weight was on him.

Cocooned in their warm bed, the pitter-patter of the rain was soon forgotten by the lazy couple inside.

* * *

_What if we had fallen in love?_

Side-by-side, they walked down the narrow road. So close they stood next to each other, Yao's shoulder would occasionally brush against Ivan's arm. Neither of them said a word, but it was fine. Silence defined their quiet, but strange friendship.

Their family and friends often joked about how different they were to one another. One had hair as bright as the sun and the other had hair as dark as night. One was small and the other large. They had no common interests- not in culture, tradition, or religion. Although they lived in the same apartment complex directly across from each other, no one would blame them if they had remained only neighbors. Against all expectation though, they became childhood friends.

Yao stole a glance at Ivan and was awed at how much taller the other boy was. When they were younger, there was a time when he was the one who was taller. Look at how time changed people. Now, they were both teenagers attending the same school. They left behind their childish games and were on the verge of becoming adults. Yao no longer called out from across the hall, asking if Ivan could come out to play. In turn, Ivan also stopped coming to his house to study or take naps. As they got older, their relationship slowly but unmistakably changed. Yet through it all, they still found time to quietly enjoy each other's company.

It was odd, their relationship. Yao noticed that. The way they treated each other was different from how they treated their other friends. They didn't talk about girls or school. In fact they hardly talked at all. Just like their walk right now, the conversation they had laid with what was unsaid.

Never once had Yao asked Ivan to slow down. For every step the Russian took with his longer legs, he had to take two. In a few strides, Ivan could outstrip him and leave him behind. But he never did. Instinctually or purposely, Ivan was being considerate of him. He allowed Yao to set the pace, leisurely walking beside his Chinese friend.

Yao wondered just how deep their silent connection was. Just how much did Ivan understand him? He didn't know, but wanted to find out.

With his heart beating erratically in his chest, he brushed his fingertips against Ivan's.

It was a silent prayer, but Yao wished with every fiber in his being that his friend understood what he meant….

And felt the same way.

* * *

_What if we had met as children?_

"Gotta hide, gotta hide." Ivan ran as fast as his short legs would take him, but no matter how far he ran, he could hear his little sister calling out for him.

"Brother! Brother! Where are you? Let's play house!"

Ivan grimaced. God, not house again! When will Natalia get that house was not something boys played? And no matter what she said, he was NOT going to marry her when he grew up!

"BROTHER!"

Just as Natalia was about to catch sight of him, he dived behind the bushes…and on top of someone.

"Oomph. Ow! What's your problem! Watch where you-" The black haired kid started to say, but in a panic, Ivan quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

"Shhhhh! Please be quiet," Ivan pleaded with the other boy. The more he tried to quiet the strange kid, the more uncooperative he became. He thrashed around with his arms and legs and making loud noises in general. "Ah, no….Please don't do that. She's going to find me! Please, please be quiet."

Ivan was going to cry. His sister was definitely going to find him at this rate. He could already imagine her forcing him to wear his Sunday suit and play 'Bride and Groom' with her. When he told his parents he hoped his yet to be born little sister would like him, he should've specified that he wanted a _normal_ little sister to like him.

"Brother?" Ivan whimpered as he heard the dreaded word. Natalia said it so many times, he was practically conditioned to flinch when that word was uttered. However, this time it was the boy beneath him that froze from terror. With his hand covering the kid's face, Ivan watched chocolates eyes widen until it looked like saucers.

Curious, Ivan opened his mouth to speak, "Wha-"

The boy slapped his hand over Ivan's mouth and pulled the Russian's head down until it was smothered against his chest. Surprised more than alarmed, Ivan began struggling. For such thin arms, the boy was astonishingly strong.

"Brother!"

"Ge-ge!"

Ivan stopped struggling. Cold chills ran down his back as he saw frills brush past where he was hiding. He met with the other boy's eyes and he could see the same panic written on his face. Looks like he wasn't the only one hiding from someone.

Lying on top of one another with their hands still covering the other person's mouth, they were still as statues; they barely even dared to breathe! Tense minutes that felt like hours passed and they could still here their respective sibling hunting for them. It was only after the sun began setting did their little brother or sister give up the search for dinner. They both sighed in relief. As the rush of adrenaline left their tiny bodies, they stared at each other in contemplation…and then started laughing at their absurd situation.

"Oh man, you should've seen your face when you dived into the bushes," The kid said between giggles, "You looked like a monster was chasing you instead of one little _girl_."

Ivan wiped tears of laughter from the corner of his eyes. "Ha! My face? You should've seen _your_ face when your brother yelled 'Gege'. I thought you were going to die from a heart attack."

The boy smiled at Ivan. "What's your name?"

"Ivan," he said, sticking out his hand.

"Well Ivan." The boy took Ivan's hand and shook it. "My name's Yao. I just moved here today. Think we can be comrades at hiding from our siblings?"

Ivan gazed at Yao, a small grin appearing on his face. "Da. The very best."

* * *

_What if, what if, what if…._

The plane soars through the sky. China- lost in his thoughts- gazes out his window and watches a pink hue color the clouds outside.

Half a world away, lying in his bed, Russia gazes up at his ceiling. As if he senses something, he reaches up….

But the moment is gone; a parade of images of what could've been passes them by.

Russia lowers his hand and China closes his eyes.

Dreams could only remains dreams. 'What if' could only remain a question. In the end, they are still nations.

In the end, each morning they'll wake up in their large beds, cold and alone

In the end, there is no such thing as happy endings for immortals.

* * *

A/n:

Tried a new style...because it was easier XD. And yes, I noticed the tense change between the AU and APH setting. It was done on purpose... And yes, I know this fic sucks butt, but I had to finish it. The plot bunny wouldn't die no matter how many times I gutted it.

The fic was split into Yao's wishes and Ivan's wishes.

Yao's: if they grew old and died, if they had fallen in love

Ivan's: If they had their happy ending (That was their honeymoon, btw), if they had met as children.

Based off from a sci-fi novel summary I read online:  
_"The couples' retreat: A married man and wife go to an unusual therapy session, in which they both get younger throughout the weekend. As young adults, they find their passion renewed, and as children, they become good friends."_

Why can't Yao and Ivan be together even though they seem to still love each other? Probably something political. They can be friends and allies all they want, but being lovers is a whole different ballgame.

The whole entire time I was writing this, the song from Holes (with Shia Labeouf) kept playing in my head.

If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs,  
The bark on the trees was as soft as the skies,  
As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely  
He cries to the moon, If only, if only.


End file.
